Burning out at home: how the mental load jeopardises your relationship and health

«You should’ve asked.» This statement is not only unhelpful, but also drives women up the wall. While she’s drowning in mental notes, her partner, who’s eager to help, is waiting to be told what to do: take the rubbish out, set up that doctor’s appointment, take care of the laundry that should’ve been done ages ago. Household and family chores are still far from being split 50/50. This becomes apparent when you look at the so-called mental load, which is all the thinking it takes for a functioning coexistence.

The debate was sparked by a simple comic strip illustrated by French cartoonist Emma in 2018. The term mental load has now also latched on in this country and it’s more topical than ever. This is what a recent study by the Hans Böckler Foundation shows – but more on that in a moment.

Fiction

Mental Load

English, Emma, 2018

Fiction

Mental Load

English, Emma, 2018

What is the mental load?

The comic, parts of which were published in German by Krautreporter, sums it up wonderfully simply: «When a man expects his partner to ask him to do things, he is viewing her as the manager of their household chores.»

And being the person in charge of housework goes beyond cooking, washing up or shopping. It means being solely responsible for planning, structuring and organising life together. It’s a managerial role that nobody sees – often not even the woman herself.

«The mental load is the mental stress of organising a family,» says psychotherapist Barbara Schrammel. She deals with the mental load and equal parenting professionally, is a board member and advisor to the association Frauen beraten Frauen, which is a counselling platform run by women for women. She also runs the Mental Load Award campaign.

«We make the mental load visible, available and accessible for women. It lets them put a name to what they’ve been feeling all along and helps them do something about it.» Find out more about the campaign on social media (in German).

The mental load is the burden of having to think about everything needed in everyday life as a couple and family. Update shopping list; change water in flower vases; change/buy/re-sow or return Halloween costumes; pack passport for tomorrow’s vaccination appointment and exempt child from subsequent sports lessons; come up with ideas for Grandma’s birthday present and make a table reservation, oh, and has anyone asked cousin Max if he’ll be joining? The list is never-ending. And this burden doesn’t leave women unscathed.

Psychotherapist Schrammel explains the health and social consequences of the mental load for women, what emotional load is and what solutions there are for couples.

Emotional load: constantly in the service of emotional work

Mental load goes far beyond household chores. It extends to all areas of women’s lives and constantly reminds them of her social duty to be caring and to look after others. The emotional work created by this is referred to as the «emotional load».

«The mental load also entails emotional work,» says Schrammel.Women are already doing the emotional and relationship work that precedes the mental load. That’s why an initiative called Equal Care Day» defines the mental load more broadly as: «The burden of the daily, invisible responsibility for organising the home and family, coordinating and mediating within teams in a professional environment, as well as maintaining and shouldering relationships and the moods of all involved in both the professional and private realm.»

Mental load: unevenly distributed, especially for working women

In (heterosexual) relationships, emotional and mental work is a woman’s job to this day – even if she works. This has been revealed by a new study (in German) carried out for the Hans Böckler Foundation. Galaxus also reported on it a while ago. While women do 62 per cent of the planning when they live with someone, men only do 20 per cent. Even women who work a 40-hour week still carry 57 per cent of the mental load in the relationship.

Incidentally, men’s perspective on this is different. When asked the question, «In your home, who plans, organises and remembers necessary daily tasks that need to be done?», 66% of men and just 35% of women replied, «we both do in equal measure.»

The researchers conclude that women are mainly responsible for family life even if they have a job. This makes the mental load a «central dimension of gender inequality in relationships.»

Consequences for women

Having to do this invisible mental work on a daily basis can put a strain on women’s mental health. Their contribution to the family and society is not considered work and is therefore not financially rewarded. Not only is the «housewife» branded as leading a dull existence, she also has very few possibilities to partake in society and doesn’t enjoy a high reputation for her work. Instead, she loses her financial independence, while working women are headed straight into burnout because of the mental load.

«The mental load equals permanent stress,» says the expert in the field. «Having to think about so many things at the same time is like having position in management you’re expected to do in your spare time.» Household and family activities never end. Not even late at night or at the weekend.

«Women often end up doing a 100-hour week. Not taking breaks on top of that can soon lead to feeling overburdened and may even translate into physical ailments, spells of depression, anxiety, cardiovascular diseases and even burnout,» says the psychotherapist. A US study involving 393 mothers also showed that being the sole person responsible for managing family and household tasks reduces women’s well-being and their satisfaction with their relationship.

Socially and financially, women are also worse off than men in the long term due to mental load. While 73 per cent of mothers (in German) work part-time (even if their children are over 18 years old), only around 13 per cent of fathers work part-time. This has an impact on their retirement provision.

This is because women’s total pensions are still 32.8 per cent lower than for men and povertery in later life is more prevalent among women, too.

Living an equal partnership: making the mental load visible

If you’re sure things are different with your partner, there’s a mental load questionnaire you can take provided by Equal Care Day. It’s designed for couples and care collectives. It also helps to know that «mental load is a structural problem, not an individual one», says Schrammel. She knows from her work with couples that «even progressive couples who strive for an equal partnership often fall back into these traditional roles».

She recommends making the mental load visible as a first step towards sharing it equally. You can do this by writing lists or making mental notes in a shared calendar. It’s the only way to make visible what women contribute towards making daily life together smooth – and the only way you can start talking about it. Why that’s important?

Sharing the mental load: advantages for couples

«Mental load is a huge burden for any relationship,» says the expert. It’s not just the women, but also the men who benefit from a fair distribution of this mental work. «A closer bond with their children, less frustration in the relationship, fewer arguments and a relationship on equal footing are just some of the benefits for men.»

And there’s more. If chores are fairly distributed between both partners, including the mental work they involve, the couple’s contentment and love life also improve as a result. Studies have shown that the woman’s libido increases if both partners feel equally responsible for family life. Schrammel goes on to say that couples who share responsibilities equally are also better off financially.

For example, when fathers take longer parental leave. «In the long term, the family income increases, because the woman can work more hours per week and climb the career ladder. At the same time, men develop management skills when organising the family, which they also benefit from later in their jobs.»

So there are good reasons to have the conversation about mental load in the relationship and to strive for equality in your partnership. Even if this isn’t always easy or comfortable to do. And to sum it up in the words of the German columnist Margarete Stokowski: «Don’t help your partner with the housework, just do half.»