Does nobody listen any more?!

Are you a good listener? Not just at hearing sounds, but at truly listening. You know, asking questions. Relating. Unfortunately, good listeners are a rarity these days. Egos and smartphones seem to have got in the way. I bet you’ve come across one of the following listeners in your lifetime. Maybe you even recognise yourself in one of them?

The shifter

Picture yourself raving about how wonderful your winter holiday was. You’re just about to talk about one of the highlights when the shifter sneakily shifts the focus to themselves. «Oh, that’s where I went last year! That was the place Sandra and I met this guy at après-ski...». So much for your holiday.

The outshiner

This specimen is related to the shifter. They come out when you’re telling them about a problem. For example, that your kid isn’t sleeping through the night. «Three hours?! That’s nothing. My kid only managed one solid hour.» No matter how bad you have it, the outshiner will always have experienced things at least three times worse.

The compulsive helper

This one also tends to rear its head when you’re talking about your problems. Instead of giving you space for your thoughts and feelings, they’re firing 15 pieces of advice at you – all of which are unsolicited, of course. Alternatively, this type of listener will force support on you. «Do you know what? I’ll come with you to the singles’ meet-up!» – «Hm ... I dunno...» – «Don’t be silly, I’d love to!»

The converter

No need to ask the converter for their opinion. They’ll ram it down your throat. They’ll frequently react to what you’ve said with a frown, a critical look and a response like: «Really? Surely you know that ...» What ensues is a whole series of arguments that support their view. The converter only stops talking once you find common ground you agree with them.

The distracted one

You’ll never sit directly opposite the distracted person. Why? Because there’s either a smartphone, laptop or a thought getting in the way. While you’re talking about something, their eyes keep darting downwards, into space or to a point behind you. Hey, there might be something more interesting there, right?

The gap filler

Try not to take breaths that are too long when you’re chatting to a gap filler. The one thing they can’t stand are pauses for reflection. If things go quiet for even just a few seconds, they’ll ask follow-up questions they were already coming up with while you were talking. This will make you forget the point you were making.

The pseudo-interested one

The pseudo-interested listener appears to be engaged: «How’s your wife?» But after you’ve answered their question, the conversation’s over. Any follow-up questions? Forget it. All they’ll give you is an awkward silence. Naturally, the listener who feigns interest assumes you’re in charge of kick-starting the conversation. So why should they take 50 per cent of the responsibility for it?

Good intentions

Does this all mean we’ve forgotten how to listen? Well, yes and no. The truth is, we never learned it properly in the first place. Scientists regard this as the main reason for the high number of failed relationships, unsuccessful professional negotiations, political disputes and even wars. Now that we’re at the beginning of the year, it’s the perfect time for us all to make a resolution to become better listeners. The non-fiction book The Lost Art of Listening is full of great tips. These are my greatest takeaways:

• Take a step back: If someone’s telling you about something you’ve already experienced, don’t jump in. Let the other person tell you about theirs instead. Or briefly mention your experience, but then shift your attention back to the other person with something like «Tell me how it was for you.»
• Avoid giving unsolicited advice: If someone shares a problem to you, don’t bulldoze over them with a load of tips. Simply allow the other person to talk and ask engaged questions. By doing this, you might lead the person to the solution that suits them best. If you’re not sure what they need, try asking «Would you like some advice, or should I just listen?»
• Acknowledge feelings: If someone describes a problem to you, you shouldn’t start a competition about who had the more intense experience. There’s no point, as no two people perceive a situation the same way.
• Listen to other opinions: Even if you disagree with someone, you should listen to their opinion more carefully in future and ask «What exactly do you mean?» or «Can you explain that to me?» No need to aim for a compromise or agreement. It’s already good enough to understand the point of view of the other person. You’ll definitely learn something from it.
• Put up with silence: You should give the other person enough time to think. Silence doesn’t mean the conversation’s going badly. Quite the opposite, in fact. If you’re both reacting spontaneously to the other instead of thinking of a follow-up question, the conversation’s more likely to gain in depth. However, both of you are responsible for keeping the conversation going.
• Take a genuine interest: Asking questions for the sake of it is pointless. If you’re the one who’s brought up a subject, you should also be asking follow-up questions and genuinely want to find out more about the other person. Otherwise, it’s better not to do it at all.
• Be present: During a conversation, you shouldn’t be looking at your phone nor mentally going through your to-dos. If you’re physically present, you should also be mentally present.

Top tip: Ask questions

Are you still listening? Side note: You’ll inevitably fall into one of the above roles when you’re having a conversation. As do I. There’s no point beating yourself up about it. The most important thing is being aware of this and working on your listening skills. Asking questions will always help you improve. Here are some that always work:

• «What do you mean exactly?»
• «What was that like for you?»
• «Would you mind explaining that?»
• «I’d love to hear more about that if you don’t mind?»

Asking questions will help you have much better conversations, because the person you’re talking to will really open up to you. How come? Because you’re not just hearing them but also seeing them. And that’s what listening’s all about.

Are you a good listener? What would you like to improve? Do you have any tips? Let the Community know in the comments!