
Opinion
Children playing sport: what parents do wrong
by Michael Restin
There’s a reason why we have two ears and just one mouth. We should listen more and do a better job of it. I bet you’re guilty of one of these 7 listening blunders.
Are you a good listener? Not just at hearing sounds, but at truly listening. You know, asking questions. Relating. Unfortunately, good listeners are a rarity these days. Egos and smartphones seem to have got in the way. I bet you’ve come across one of the following listeners in your lifetime. Maybe you even recognise yourself in one of them?
Picture yourself raving about how wonderful your winter holiday was. You’re just about to talk about one of the highlights when the shifter sneakily shifts the focus to themselves. «Oh, that’s where I went last year! That was the place Sandra and I met this guy at après-ski...». So much for your holiday.
This specimen is related to the shifter. They come out when you’re telling them about a problem. For example, that your kid isn’t sleeping through the night. «Three hours?! That’s nothing. My kid only managed one solid hour.» No matter how bad you have it, the outshiner will always have experienced things at least three times worse.
This one also tends to rear its head when you’re talking about your problems. Instead of giving you space for your thoughts and feelings, they’re firing 15 pieces of advice at you – all of which are unsolicited, of course. Alternatively, this type of listener will force support on you. «Do you know what? I’ll come with you to the singles’ meet-up!» – «Hm ... I dunno...» – «Don’t be silly, I’d love to!»
No need to ask the converter for their opinion. They’ll ram it down your throat. They’ll frequently react to what you’ve said with a frown, a critical look and a response like: «Really? Surely you know that ...» What ensues is a whole series of arguments that support their view. The converter only stops talking onceyou find common ground you agree with them.
You’ll never sit directly opposite the distracted person. Why? Because there’s either a smartphone, laptop or a thought getting in the way. While you’re talking about something, their eyes keep darting downwards, into space or to a point behind you. Hey, there might be something more interesting there, right?
Try not to take breaths that are too long when you’re chatting to a gap filler. The one thing they can’t stand are pauses for reflection. If things go quiet for even just a few seconds, they’ll ask follow-up questions they were already coming up with while you were talking. This will make you forget the point you were making.
The pseudo-interested listener appears to be engaged: «How’s your wife?» But after you’ve answered their question, the conversation’s over. Any follow-up questions? Forget it. All they’ll give you is an awkward silence. Naturally, the listener who feigns interest assumes you’re in charge of kick-starting the conversation. So why should they take 50 per cent of the responsibility for it?
Does this all mean we’ve forgotten how to listen? Well, yes and no. The truth is, we never learned it properly in the first place. Scientists regard this as the main reason for the high number of failed relationships, unsuccessful professional negotiations, political disputes and even wars. Now that we’re at the beginning of the year, it’s the perfect time for us all to make a resolution to become better listeners. The non-fiction book The Lost Art of Listening is full of great tips. These are my greatest takeaways:
Are you still listening? Side note: You’ll inevitably fall into one of the above roles when you’re having a conversation. As do I. There’s no point beating yourself up about it. The most important thing is being aware of this and working on your listening skills. Asking questions will always help you improve. Here are some that always work:
Asking questions will help you have much better conversations, because the person you’re talking to will really open up to you. How come? Because you’re not just hearing them but also seeing them. And that’s what listening’s all about.
Are you a good listener? What would you like to improve? Do you have any tips? Let the Community know in the comments!
I like anything that has four legs or roots. The books I enjoy let me peer into the abyss of the human psyche. Unlike those wretched mountains that are forever blocking the view – especially of the sea. Lighthouses are a great place for getting some fresh air too, you know?