Doggo, my house won’t be your home

«Lindo». That was the name of the ginger Cocker Spaniel I grew up with. I remember him as a perpetually nervous little yapper. And to say the windy, rainy walks that featured regularly as part of my chores have left a positive imprint would be an overstatement.

Here’s the thing: I do actually like dogs – so long as they’re not mine. I’d even go one step further: I like dogs much more than cats. Dogs are usually loyal by nature and easy (or at least easier) to control. They literally eat right from the palm of your hand. Cats, on the other hand, including our three-year-old male cat Mango, tend to be quite headstrong. They like to let you fully experience their moods and quirks.

So, why do I own a cat and not a dog, you must be wondering. Simply put, it’s because cats are much easier to care for. We sauntered off to Denmark for almost four weeks this summer. It was no problem for Mango. Thanks to the help of our neighbours, he was looked after. On the other hand, we would have had to put our dog in a kennel. Four weeks would have easily run us between 1,500 and 2,000 francs. The alternative would have been squeezing us all into the car. The mere thought is tedious – the pooch would have taken up half the car and limited our activities during our vacation.

Defensive tactics that have proved effective

Disclaimer: all these explanations of mine haven’t really diminished my family’s desire to get a dog. But they have allowed me to ward off their desire so far.

1. Blanket refusal

«If we get a dog, it’s you who’ll be feeding it and taking it out on walks.» In other words, should this potential future dog find its way under my roof, I won’t be taking care of it. What I neglect to mention is the fact that I wouldn’t be able to stick to this resolution even for a day, given how much I love dogs. When it comes to this topic, I prefer to keep things on a need-to-know basis.

2. Suggest getting a not-so-beloved breed

«Alright, alright. But if we are getting a dog, it’s got to be a Boxer or Dogue de Bordeaux.» Whenever I drop this line, the discussion is settled for at least a little while. As it so happens, neither my children nor my wife are fans of these breeds.

I’m not even using them as a tactical weapon, but because I really like them and think they’re adorable. Now, you might not recall what the Dogue de Bordeaux looks like off the top of your head. Remember the 1989 movie «Turner and Hooch» starring Tom Hanks? When I first saw the movie as a teenager, I immediately fell in love with the drooling Dogue de Bordeaux. Fortunately, as it turns out, because my family refuses to let a drooling monster with a propensity to rip apart stuffed animals into our home.

3. Offer alternatives

«How about a hamster? And haven’t you been wanting an aquarium for ages?» These are the diversion tactics I use to dissuade my family from wanting a dog. Granted, it does put me in a bit of a pickle when my son jumps on the opportunity and starts listing rats, tarantulas or other critters as viable options. The key here is to know your audience. Only suggest this if you know your family isn’t into weird alternative pets like my son.

4. Fake an allergy

So far, the aforementioned tricks have been effective. Should they start failing, I’m already toying with the idea of having a doctor friend of mine issue me a note saying I’m allergic to dog hair (an allergy which, as we all know, only becomes noticeable in adulthood). Sure, this may not be the most kosher approach. But as the saying goes, the end justifies the means.

5. Could dog-sharing be an option?

Despite all my defensive measures, I fear the day will come when my family prevails. The only option I’ll have then is to work towards a compromise. In line with the saying «a sorrow shared is a sorrow halved», maybe we could share a dog with another family? But that’s all pie-in-the-sky. For now, I’m operating on the assumption that I’ll be able to assert myself and won’t be getting licked awake at 7 a.m. by any dog.