My visit to Alpamare wasn’t bad, but...

The last time I visited Alpamare was as a 20-year-old in the late 90s. As a young adult, I was no longer in the mood for water slides or brine baths. And later, as a young father, my children were simply too small to enjoy the attractions offered by the water park in Pfäffikon (SZ). Finally, last Sunday – after almost a quarter of a century since my last visit – it was time to go back.

Together with my two children (8 and 10) and my good friend Dani and his daughters (6 and 9), I make my way to the entrance of Alpamare at 10 a.m. sharp. We want to be among the first to get in. Our plan works out. After speedily getting our bathing suits on in the changing room, which hasn’t changed since my last visit, we enter the large hall where the wave pool is located. But because there aren’t any waves, we decide to plunge into the 32-degree-warm Alpa Therme instead. Mind you, «warm» is subjective. Dani and I look at each other and have the same thought: two or three degrees more wouldn’t be bad. We’re already starting to shiver.

The red lights are really annoying

Let’s get down to business – after all, we’re here for the slides, not the thermal bath. Alpamare houses twelve slides, totalling over two kilometres. Spoiler: we won’t manage to try out even half of them within the next four hours.

We start off with the «Mini Canyon», a slide in the blue – i.e. easiest – category. It’s the perfect way to ease into things.

Although there are still very few visitors, queuing up as a group of six is no quick affair. Why do I say that? Because of the traffic lights at the top of the slide that remain red incredibly long. I find myself quietly starting to get annoyed. Of course, safety is paramount and a long red phase makes sense especially for fast slides. But Dani and I do find ourselves in a bit of a traffic light pickle – should we be role models and dutifully wait until the light turns green or shorten the interval to what we find reasonable? We solve the problem by having our kids slide down before us.

The difficulty ratings of the slides aren’t the same as of ski slopes

At the end of the slide, the kids’ eyes are (still) sparkling. Their excitement is as high as ever (and very audible). All four are chattering away wildly, trying to decide which slide to go on next. Caught up in the moment, we narrowly avoided making a serious mistake. You see, we had assumed that the slides are categorised analogously to ski slopes, and so we almost chose a red slide next. Caution: here at Alpamare, red doesn’t mean «intermediate», but «expert». Crisis averted. So, the next stop is the yellow, intermediate, whitewater ride «Alpabob». As the name suggests, you go down it on a rubber tyre. The children are taken with this slide, too.

Dani and I, on the other hand, are already flirting with slides that promise a little more adrenaline. But because we don’t want to rush things for tactical reasons, we first tackle the «IceXpress», another blue-rated slide.

A fall in the pitch black with serious consequences

Alrighty. It’s high time to level up. And that’s when disaster first hits. First, tears are shed because the kids can’t decide on a single slide, but also refuse to split up. Finally, Dani and I, by virtue of our parental authority, decide on the «Thriller» slide (rated yellow). Equipped with three double floats, we head to the top. Unfortunately, our two older children thwart our plan, which was to have the two of them share one float. But all the kids want to go down the slide with an adult. The level of stress rises; as Dani and I try to persuade the children, a long queue forms behind us. Under pressure, we finally decide to go down on two floats in groups of three, with us adults taking one child on our lap.

Stupidly, a large part of the slide leads through darkness. Because I can’t anticipate the first turn, we topple off the float and hit our heads, shoulders and elbows against the tunnel. Not badly, but enough to shake everyone up. On top of that, the next 15 seconds – it feels like minutes – take us into complete darkness. I hear my daughter crying in the front; where my son is, I’m not sure. There’s not much I can do. Once we arrive, the first thing to do is to calm down the kids. The dark slide also gave Dani’s younger daughter a good scare, even though she didn’t fall off the float.

One of the kids goes missing

We try to find a quieter spot where we can take a break. Easier said than done. There’s a constant, deafening hubbub – a mixture of children and teenagers mingling indoors. We take refuge in the small cafeteria above the wave pool. The kids want chips and sweets. The fact that the smallest pack of chips costs a hefty three francs rolls right off our backs; we’ve already spent 230 francs on four-hour admission (a day pass for everyone would have cost us 280 francs).

The wave pool starts up at every hour and half hour mark. The kids gulf down their snacks and jump into the water. Dani and I keep a watchful eye from the ankle-deep area. Suddenly, we lose sight of his youngest daughter. First, a feeling of nervousness comes over us, followed by restlessness and then quiet panic. It quickly becomes clear that she’s no longer in the water – or worse, under water. Where else could she be? After a long two minutes, we discover her splashing about peacefully in the warm thermal bath. The little one must have slipped away during a brief moment of inattention.

Water park director: «Adjustments in pricing aren’t out of the question»

We still have about an hour before we have to leave (or pay extra). The children, still scarred by the shock of the spill, only want to go on the two blue-rated slides and the open whitewater ones. That means we ended up trying just five of the twelve slides. Oh well. Since mid-October, two slides, which alternate, are always out of operation for an hour on weekdays to save electricity and energy. According to park director Julian Lämmler, other measures are also conceivable. «So far, for example, we haven’t raised admission prices, but it’s not out of the question that we’ll have to make adjustments.» Another way to save energy would be to lower the water temperature. Is this an option? «Again, everything’s still up in the air,» says Lämmler. «It’s important to us that we don’t diminish the experience for our guests.» After the first few trial weeks of the new weekday slide schedule, Lämmler says they’re very satisfied and are much more focused on further investments regarding water processing.

During my visit, I also find myself wondering whether the heating in the interior has been turned down. With a wet body, the temperature feels too low, especially in the area where the slide ends. We’re shivering. Park director Lämmler denies this. «No, this isn’t the case. The temperature also fluctuates a bit indoors on individual days, but that’s not related to energy-saving measures.»

Europe’s longest closed racing slide

By now, the kids have mastered the «IceXpress» on their own and without fear. So, Dani and I speed down the «Cobra» (red category!) at least twice. Finally, I go for the fastest ride at Alpamare: «Jungle Run» I only need a little over 30 seconds to cover the 220 metres. «Jungle Run» is the longest enclosed racing slide in Europe. These two slides delivered what they promised in terms of action. In fact, I found it to be a little too much at times. Why do I say that? Well, I had to close my eyes before every big curve so that the splashing water wouldn’t wash my contact lenses out of my eyes. It felt like I had to master the curves blind.

Speaking of time, gotta go grab our showers, as we don’t want to exceed the 4-hour limit. As these things go, showering and especially blow-drying the girls’ long hair drags on, and we leave the adventure pool a quarter of an hour late. Luckily, we don’t have to pay extra. As a gesture of goodwill, the employee waives the overtime fee.

The kids and especially Dani and I are exhausted and drawn from the last four hours. There certainly would have been more relaxing and, more importantly, cheaper ways to spend a Sunday. And yet, despite the tears that were shed, the visit was worth it. During our final snack stop at a highway McDonald’s, the children are already reminiscing about their adventures and will remember this day – the good and bad – for a long time to come. I can’t yet say if and when I’ll visit Alpamare again. It could conceivably take another 25 years. But, at the age of 70, I doubt I’ll have the guts to go down the «Cobra». Lucky for me, there’s still the «IceXpress».