Oktoberfest? I'd rather get drunk alone on the sofa
20/9/2019
Translation: machine translated
They combine socialising with folklore: Oktoberfest tents are springing up like mushrooms. Entire companies and sports clubs dress up in Bavarian garb to drink uninhibitedly and pseudo-anonymously in the crowd. I do without it and you should too.
The Oktoberfest in Munich. The Wiesn. Probably the most legendary of all folk festivals. It is a tradition in Munich and should remain so. Unfortunately, around the turn of the millennium, resourceful event charlatans decided to put festival benches in a tent in every major town, serve beer in litre mugs and serve dry pretzels and even drier chicken to go with it.
What the organisers save on vowels on the menu (Brez(e)n, Händ(e)l, Tür(e)l etc.), they add to the prices. At the "Züri Wiesn", for example, you can get a table for ten people for a mere 900 Swiss francs. For 90 francs each, everyone gets a chicken, two litres of beer and half a pretzel. There is a band on stage that plays the song "Ein Prosit" every half hour to encourage everyone to raise their glasses and legitimise the exorbitant admission price. It's as certain that the party will get going as the Amen in church or the vomit in the Oktoberfest toilet.
When Lorena from reception snogs Ivan from the camp
Because even hardened Oktoberfest fans won't fork out 90 francs several times over to drink two beers, the organisers peddle their wares to local small and medium-sized businesses. The SMEs - the "foundation" of the Swiss economy - can be easily fooled into believing that a table at the Oktoberfest is the team event that their valued employees have been waiting for. Of course, the SMEs cheerfully bite the bullet and heap the money from the team event budget onto the beer garden table. An email with the following content is sent out in the company these days:
Dear employees
After the great success of previous years, we have once again reserved a table at this year's Oktoberfest. We ask you to come to this highlight in traditional costume. Dirndls are compulsory for the girls and lederhosen for the boys. As every year, the outfit can be hired (see separate email from Brigit).
With this in mind:
O'zapft is
So the company heads to the beer tent after work. After the first pint at the latest, the boss stands on the bench and stares down his intern's neckline as soon as his wife puffs a cigarette outside. After the second, he gives an embarrassing speech that nobody understands because he speaks in "Bavarian", which sounds more like Russian. Afterwards, the patron generously buys a whole basket of small schnapps to get the atmosphere boiling. Quickly opened, everyone clamps the lids of the schnapps onto the tip of their noses, toasts each other and drinks away the sugar water enriched with industrial alcohol and artificial flavourings in one gulp.
The band starts to play bigger and bigger hits, flies buzz around horse arses, there are scandals in the restricted area and Urs from the accounts department has already thrown up next to the table for the first time. He is led out of the tent by security without much resistance. Lorena from reception and Ivan from the camp didn't even notice, as they were sitting close together at the end of the table, sticking their tongues down each other's throats. Ivan's fiancée won't find out because the company motto is "what happens at Oktoberfest stays at Oktoberfest".
The next day, everyone at the water cooler is a little awkwardly silent because nobody knows exactly what the other person knows, doesn't know or shouldn't know from yesterday. Urs already has the bill for cleaning the puke-covered leather trousers on the table and pays it straight away, Ivan doesn't even react when Lorena greets him with a quick "Morning" and the boss deletes the first line of his thank-you email for the fourth time (last version: "Obacht Madln und Burschen") because he doesn't think it's creative enough.
Binge drinking in costume
After a visit to an Oktoberfest, you're left with a hangover and a film tear. The organisers are left with a bulging bank account. They rub their hands because things are just getting started. The Oktoberfest kicks off the event season: Oktoberfest, Halloween and the Christmas market - the holy trinity of eventisation. The crowning finale in certain regions is carnival.
It's hardly surprising that dressing up is compulsory at three of these four events. Whether in lederhosen, as a skeleton or in a Guggenmusik costume, it's better to drink in disguise, you might think. Come out of your shell, leave your everyday life behind and take on a different personality. While the credo "be yourself" applies in the world of work, when you're boozing, you apparently have to become a leisure-time Johnny Depp or an after-work Angelina Jolie and slip into a role. We have lost faith in the effects of alcohol. Beer and schnapps are no longer enough, leather trousers and wigs are now mandatory. 3, 2, 1, funny.
I much prefer an honest after-work beer with my colleagues. It's not tied to any particular time of year or any pagan or religious custom. If everyone in my department goes to the Oktoberfest together, I'm happy to cancel. Sorry, I have plans. I'm going to the traditional Finnish Oktoberfest "Kalsarikännit".
"Kalsarikännit" stands for "I'm getting drunk alone at home in my pants".
How do you feel about organised drinking in traditional Bavarian costume? A highlight of your year or the absolute low point of autumn? Leave a comment and follow my author profile. I'll buy you a drink, as long as it's not at Oktoberfest. Deal?
Simon Balissat
Teamleader Editorial
Simon.Balissat@digitecgalaxus.chWhen I flew the family nest over 15 years ago, I suddenly had to cook for myself. But it wasn’t long until this necessity became a virtue. Today, rattling those pots and pans is a fundamental part of my life. I’m a true foodie and devour everything from junk food to star-awarded cuisine. Literally. I eat way too fast.