When you can’t do without porn anymore

An average of exactly nine minutes and 55 seconds. That’s how long visitors spent on the adult portal Pornhub per session last year. Doesn’t sound like much. But what if porn consumption takes on a life of its own? People who watch sexual content excessively move far beyond just ten minutes in the long term. With notable consequences. Sexologist and psychotherapist Dania Schiftan explained the dynamics behind porn addiction and how to lay the foundation for a healthy approach to pornography.

Dania, you say porn can be fun, add variety to your sex life and contribute to arousal. I’m right there with you. But how does porn consumption take on problematic features in some people?
Dania Schiftan: The problem lies in unrestricted availability. It makes dealing with porn difficult and can have a negative impact on us. Most forms of pornographic content are now available for free with just one click online. This barrier-free access confronts more and more young people who are just developing their sexuality with such images and films from the very beginning, thus unconsciously linking their masturbation to porn. From a sexual therapy point of view – leaving ethical and legal issues aside here – this can lead to problems.

What do these problems look like in concrete terms?
People who only ever experience their sexuality in combination with porn have a one-dimensional experience. I’ll make an example: let’s take a man called Ben – it could just as easily be a woman. Ben is quietly sat on his chair, staring at a screen while rubbing a certain spot on his penis. His entire focus is on the sex happening in front of him. Ben also has the ability to fast-forward, rewind, or change videos as needed with little effort.

In the days of the VHS, this was probably a bit different.
It was all much more tedious. Ben certainly wouldn’t have got up five times to change cassette. But this day and age, Ben can hunt for porn highlights in just a few clicks. Over time, these highlights need to become more hardcore in order for Ben to reach the same level of excitement. It dulls after time.

Why is that?
If you’re only focusing on things outside your body, i.e. on porn, you’ll miss out on yourself. What happens inside is perceived as less and less spectacular, as your eyes are hogging all your attention. The result: people like Ben have to look longer and longer until they find pornographic material that excites them. Often, the genre of porn watched also becomes more hardcore over time. All of this leads to a loss of control, as sexual fantasies and behaviours can no longer be adequately controlled.

So when someone like Ben is in a relationship, it surely affects sex?
When sexuality is expressed with a partner, especially in long-term relationships, this accustomed thrill from porn is missing. Many can’t even get aroused without porn. This can put a strain on a relationship.

What inner struggles do those afflicted suffer from?
If people are no longer able to get aroused without the help of porn, they spend more time and energy trying to get to that arousal. If that kick from porn no longer fulfils their expectations – i.e. if it is no longer strong enough or fades away – they get stressed. They subsequently consume more and longer to get their fix. Some even get into legal conflicts because they use their company computer or view illegal material. Their schoolwork, job, finances, health and social contacts can also fall by the wayside.

In these cases, can one speak of an addiction in the classical sense?
There’s a hypothesis that addictions cause changes in our brains. Whether this is also the case with porn cannot be said unequivocally. I know research results both for and against. The question of how to classify this behaviour, i.e. as an addiction in the classical sense or as a habit, plays a subordinate role in my work as a sex therapist. The end effect is ultimately the same: those affected suffer from their behaviour and its consequences.

Is a specific group particularly at risk?
For a long time, it was said that only men were affected by this phenomenon. This is no longer true. Especially since more and more porn specifically targets women. Nevertheless, young men tend to be more at risk – not least because they’re particularly receptive to visual stimuli.

Are there outward signs that indicate someone has developed a pornography addiction?
Especially in times of work from home, when social contacts are severely limited, it’s particularly difficult for outsiders to recognise such behaviour. Especially since those affected lead an increasingly secluded life. Anyone who suspects their partner should raise the issue and ask the person to go to a therapy or counselling. Unfortunately, many don’t know that there’s help available for anyone struggling with porn addiction. You will have support. You can take the issue seriously and work on yourself. There’s nothing embarrassing about it.

In what way can pornography addiction be compared to addictions such as alcoholism or drug and gambling addiction?
Sexuality is a natural urge. You can’t break the habit in that sense. The body works in its own way. But there is something I often observe: people couple their sexuality to these addictions. For example, there are people who can only have sex when they’re slightly or completely drunk – as they otherwise feel too ashamed or have other difficulties. Others take drugs to get an erection or to perceive sex more intensely.

What happens to one’s sexuality when you strip away the drugs?
If people overcome their addictions through therapy, their sexuality can also get «lost» in the process, as that kick from the addiction is missing. It’s the same with porn addiction. Therefore, abstinence is not a solution. After all, one’s sexuality doesn’t vanish into thin air as soon as an addictive substance is eliminated. Affected people merely lose access to their sexuality through such a measure.

What approach do you take instead?
Those affected must first and foremost learn to experience their sexuality differently again. They need to learn how to trigger and perceive their arousal without resorting to an addictive drug or porn. It’s a relearning and expanding of sexuality, so porn addicts gradually move away from being dependent on a video. Sufferers work towards reaching a point where they can touch themselves and pay attention to how their body reacts. At some point, a person is reassured and can experience sexual pleasure without this external visual stimulus.

What does the average recovery look like?
I never remove porn completely. It’s still a reliable source of excitement for people afflicted. However, I recommend my patients pause their porn for ten seconds after a certain time and then observe their state of arousal. Over time, these built-in pauses become longer. If they get bored with what they’re watching, I advise them not to change the clip right away, but to keep it running. Another option: just turn the screen away. There are different ways to break habitual behavioural patterns in porn consumption.

So it’s not necessarily a matter of getting away from porn altogether?
Right! Rather, the goal is to make room for other things again. It’s important to me that those affected understand: as long as what you’re watching is legal, the problem isn’t the movies, but the effects of using them in the wrong way. When it comes to porn, I have a general rule: use porn to get excited once and go without it two or three times. Using this routine, you keep a kind of balance and focus on your body in the long run.

What preventive measures do you think would be useful to protect adolescents from potential addiction?
Most of the time, parents, teachers and the like put porn in a bad light across the board and advise people not to watch it in the first place. Some of their arguments: they convey a false image of women’s roles and are ethically reprehensible. While these criticisms are absolutely justified – there are still many things to work on in the mainstream porn industry – they don’t really help children and young people. Curiosity remains. Sooner or later, they’ll come into contact with pornographic material anyway. For example, when it’s sent to their phone. From my point of view, this is a factor that simply has to be reckoned with in this day and age. Children and young people should therefore be trained in how to deal with such content. This also means that parents have to deal with the issue as well. It’s the only way they can act as a point of contact and explain to their children what is happening in these films.

What goes on inside young people who come into contact with pornographic material for the first time?
I’ve repeatedly experienced a situation where young people ask me, «Oh gosh, do I really need to be able to do what I saw in that porno?» Such questions require a response. One that won’t be helpful if you demonise everything. In this way, children and young adults feel abandoned regarding the issue. It would be nice if we had a society where kids and teens were allowed to say, «I saw something that irritated me,» or, «I thought what I saw was cool, but am I even allowed to think it’s cool?» With a culture open to conversation that provides space for questions, sharing, and debate, we can minimise the risk of someone secretly falling into a grievous porn consumption habit for months and having a hard time kicking it.

For the last 14 years, Dania Schiftan has been working as a sexologist and psychotherapist from her own practice in Zurich. She’s also a psychologist at Parship. You can find out more about Dania and her job in this interview:

All other articles in this series are here: