You and me - and the smartphone: what does this love triangle do to our relationship?
Cosy togetherness, a rare commodity. Especially since the smartphone has become our constant companion. So what do you do when you're vying for your loved one's attention with a screen? A conversation with psychotherapist Dania Schiftan.
Dania, would you say that we live in a time when our relationship with our smartphone is more intimate than our relationship with our partner?
Dania Schiftan, sexologist and psychotherapist:
An exciting question. Nowadays, many people spend a lot of time using their smartphones. Interaction with a mobile phone can compete with interaction with your partner. However, I wouldn't describe the relationship with the smartphone as more intimate.
Why?
Intimacy, which is necessary for a real partnership, requires closeness, intimacy and much more than just the quick retrieval of information or entertainment. What I have noticed as a therapist, however, is that more and more people are finding it difficult to tolerate silence or supposed boredom. At such moments, they immediately reach for their mobile.
Have we forgotten how to be bored?
In a way, yes. The smartphone serves as a stopgap in quiet moments. Many bridge this "void" with their mobile phones.
What consequences does this have for a partnership?
Relationships need these supposedly "boring" moments. They are often the beginning of deep conversations and a real connection. And they are the basis for intimacy to develop. If interpersonal closeness and spending time together in silence are no longer given enough space, the quality of the relationship can suffer. The constant distraction creates a distance, a kind of alienation.
How exactly does this alienation come about?
Think about the moments when you open up to others when you want to talk about a difficult topic. These are usually moments when we are simply sitting together. These are increasingly disappearing from our everyday lives as we reach for our mobiles. In this way, we put a stop to the slow development of intimacy and eroticism that sustains a relationship even without burning passion. What happens? Only the necessary, organisational and functional things are discussed. Deeper conversations, the shared experience and the endeavour to care for each other are lost. Many couples then realise at some point that they no longer have anything to talk about.
Does this also happen in friendships?
There are definitely friendships that suffer when one of the two is always distractedly looking at their mobile. But generally speaking, people in friendships or in other contexts often make a more active effort to have mobile phone-free interactions because they know that their time together is limited and valuable. In a partnership, on the other hand, this mindfulness for the shared moment can be lost in everyday life.
Do you notice a difference between the sexes when it comes to this issue?I hear from women in particular that they find it problematic when their partner spends a lot of time on their smartphone. Be it on the commute, in the loo or at dinner. This can lead to a feeling of neglect. But women often fall into the digital vortex themselves, which makes this problem even more complex.
Now there is a spectrum when it comes to mobile phone use. At what point does the smartphone become a serious danger to a relationship?
One sign is when the smartphone is always present everywhere - when eating together, in conversation or on a walk. Another problem is when conversations are interrupted by constantly checking your mobile. This can lead to superficial communication and weaken the connection between two people.
Let's assume my partner has reached this point. How would you describe the role of the smartphone in this context? It reminds me a bit of an open affair ...
The smartphone can indeed seem like an "affair" that creeps unnoticed and insidiously into our daily lives. It constantly demands attention, often at a time when you should actually be present with a real person or in a personal moment. In this triangular relationship, the mobile acts as a constant connection to other worlds - be it through social media, work emails or messages from other people.
What if mobile time is due to work?The topic of accessibility in a work context really should not be underestimated. I recommend that everyone sets clear boundaries for themselves. This could mean, for example, that I no longer answer calls or emails after seven o'clock. Such "rules" reduce stress and promote a relaxing end to the day.
Do you think that turning to your smartphone is just a symptom of a deeper problem within a relationship?
I can't give a generalised answer to that. Of course, there are people who use their smartphones specifically to avoid conflicts or unpleasant conversations. Similar to the way newspapers used to serve as an escape medium. In these cases, there is often more to it, such as relationship issues, insecurities or questions of self-worth. However, the influence of the smartphone as a problem in its own right should not be underestimated.
What do you mean?
The urge to keep reaching for your mobile is enormous. The smartphone constantly offers new content and stimulates our dopamine levels, which leads to an almost unstoppable pull. We get stuck, keep scrolling and often don't realise how much time has passed. It's a habit that has become ingrained and is difficult to break.
What can I do if I realise that I'm in direct competition with a screen? How can I get my partner to pay more attention to me and put the smartphone away?It's important to communicate mindfully with each other and to address the need for attention respectfully, without accusations. It's not always easy to maintain a balance between the digital and real worlds. Especially when the smartphone is constantly within reach and draws attention away. Instead of focussing on strict rules or clear boundaries, I recommend developing new habits.
For example?
Couples can consciously introduce mobile phone-free times - be it when eating together, on walks or at home in the evening. New rituals without screens can be the start: reading together, playing board games or simply "getting bored" next to each other. Such time-outs promote presence and closeness. Ultimately, it's about slowing down the constant pressure of the digital world and creating spaces together in which real connections take centre stage again.
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Header image: Shvets Production/Pexels
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Natalie Hemengül
Senior Editor
Natalie.Hemenguel@digitecgalaxus.chAs a massive Disney fan, I see the world through rose-tinted glasses. I worship series from the 90s and consider mermaids a religion. When I’m not dancing in glitter rain, I’m either hanging out at pyjama parties or sitting at my make-up table. P.S. I love you, bacon, garlic and onions.
