Less stressed, more content – or why we should cuddle more

3.17 seconds. That’s how long a hug lasts on average. What seems like such a small moment has a great effect – because we humans need touch. It increases our well-being and overall contentment. What’s behind these positive effects? The so-called cuddle hormone, or oxytocin. When we cuddle, our brains are flooded with it.

Oxytocin plays an essential role in couple formation, mother-child bonding and boosts well-being. In the journal Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience, researchers report that oxytocin increases pro-social behaviours and that its release increases with age.

Rebecca Böhme, neuroscientist, researcher and author, confirms the importance of touch in everyday life. In her book «Human Touch» (only available in German) she writes: «Physical contact is of utmost importance to the feeling of emotional closeness.»

In this interview, she explains what happens within our bodies when we cuddle.

Professor Böhme, how do we humans react to touch?

When someone we’re close with touches us lovingly, this usually has a relaxing effect on us. The amount of stress hormones in our blood decreases, and a comforting, warm feeling comes over us.

Our skin is our point of contact with the outside world. So, what actually happens in the skin when we’re touched?

Our skin contains a vast number of touch receptors. When we’re touched, numerous receptors are activated. When someone strokes us with their fingertips, our so-called C tactile fibres, which are geared to respond to this type of touch, react. But other receptors also send signals, for example to probe and identify surfaces. Some stimuli are a result of vibration, others of pressure. In short, which receptors are activated depends on the type of touch.

What happens next? Which brain areas become active when we’re touched?

Our nerves transmit the information from our skin to our brain via the spinal cord. There, the area which is primarily responsible for processing touch is activated: the somatosensory cortex. Gentle touch – such as slow stroking or running your fingertips over the skin – also activates the insula, a cerebral lobe. The insula also becomes active when we take the time to listen to our body.

Speaking of which, why does our own touch feel less potent on our skin?

Our own touch is very different. The touch areas in your brain are deactivated when you touch yourself. For the insula and the somatosensory cortex, our own touches are insignificant – after all, we’re in constant physical contact with our own body. For example, when we scratch our nose or run our hands through our hair. That’s why this information isn’t important to our brain – and also because it can always accurately predict our next touch. We know how it’ll feel in advance, so the brain thinks to itself, «I don’t need to react here.» Therefore, the insula and somatosensory area actually decrease their activity compared to the baseline without touch.

Touch from one source in particular feels especially good: from your partner. Why is that? Why do we perceive touch in different ways in the first place?

The positive effects of touch don’t occur simply because your skin is being stimulated. They’re a result of the overall context – the type of touch, the person touching you, your emotional state and the situation you’re in. Our brains even seem to be able to change our sensitivity to touch. For example, to amplify it when we’re in an intimate situation with our partner.

Some people need more tenderness than others. Why’s that?

We know that there are large differences between individuals. Research doesn’t yet have a sufficient explanation as to why some people are absolute cuddle bugs while others aren’t so fond of touch. However, as in so many cases, it comes down to a combination of genetics and life experiences. Cultural aspects also play a role. In certain cultures, it’s common to touch each other much more often than we do in ours. You’re just more used to it in that case.

Can this cultural and individual conditioning be changed? In other words, can non-cuddlers in relationships be warmed up to the idea of more touch?

Trying to change your partner is, of course, no easy feat. But you can certainly bring up the topic and express your wishes. It might be something the other person hadn’t even thought about. After all, touching usually happens quite subconsciously. Not many people are even aware of if and how much they touch others.

Are we happier in relationships with lots of touch?

That’s a difficult question to answer. Here, too, there are individual differences. What we do know is that there’s a link between the frequency of positive touch, our stress hormones and our satisfaction in a romantic relationship. While touch certainly can’t save a relationship that’s going south, in a healthy relationship, hugs, kisses and caresses can add to the feeling of contentment.

What about entirely touch-free relationships? Are they even possible?

Such relationships certainly do exist, especially now in the age of the internet. But these are the exception. For the vast majority of us, touch is really positive. Especially in romantic relationships, it plays an important role in creating a feeling of closeness and togetherness. Even without words.

For the vast majority of us? For whom and in what situations is touch negative?

Touch can be uncomfortable. There are many reasons for this – the person touching us, the situation we’re in or simply our current mood. If you’ve got a lot on your plate and are feeling stressed, a hug would actually be calming – if we allowed ourselves to enjoy it. But in situations like this, it tends to get on our nerves instead.

In long-term relationships, the frequency of touch tends to decrease. Do we automatically distance ourselves from our partner on an emotional level when we stop touching each other?

At the beginning of a relationship, touch is very much the focus of romantic togetherness and is experienced much more intensely. As time goes by, our partner touching us tends to be less exciting. Once you’ve left this initial, intense phase, everyday life sets in and there’s less room for little moments of tenderness. This doesn’t have to mean that you’re emotionally distancing from one another. But consciously allowing more touch to flow into your relationship’s everyday can definitely create a renewed sense of closeness.

What advice do you have for people without a partner? Can pets, friends or family members fulfil the need for cuddling?

Of course, we can experience closeness and tenderness in other relationships, too. This doesn’t have to be reserved just for when we don’t have a partner or if our partner doesn’t like to cuddle. Physical closeness strengthens the parent-child bond as well as friendships. As for our pets, we communicate mostly through touch anyway.

How can we bring more touch and closeness into our relationship’s everyday?

We can start by observing ourselves. When and how much do we touch our partner? In which situations do we ourselves like to be touched – or not? It can then help to openly address the issue, express our own wishes and to listen to what our partner wants. Oddly enough, we talk very little about touch, even though it’s such an integral part of our lives.