Should you have a third child? Here’s how to make the right choice
For many parents, the birth of a second child draws the curtain on their urge to procreate. Sometimes, it’s even the first. Or maybe you and your partner have already decided to have a third. More power to you! After all, there are good reasons to try for baby number three. But there are also reasons not to. We asked the experts for some advice.
How many kids do you want? Personally, I can’t answer that question definitively. One? Two? None at all? I don’t know. When I was younger, I’d always answer: «two – a girl and a boy». I’m sure many (soon-to-be) parents would say something similar. At least, that’s the impression I get by looking at the families I know. I barely know any family with more than two kids; most of them have two, some have one.
Feelings are one thing, stats are another. A 2021 statistical report on families in Switzerland (available in German only) confirms that a plurality of women towards the end of childbearing age (around 50 to 59 years old) had two children – 39 per cent of them, in fact. Having three or more, however, really isn’t that uncommon (23 per cent). Just as many, i.e. 23 per cent, decided against having children altogether, while raising one child is the reality for 15 per cent of the women.
As life coach Katharina Weiner puts it, this hasn’t always been the case. «People used to grow up in big families with loads of kids, but today, the goalposts have shifted. We’re now seeing the third generation of parents who’re discovering themselves anew. They’ve tried out – and are trying out – a lot. Every family is unique. We’ve never had so much freedom to make choices. The bottom line is: the decision to have a third child isn’t easy. And the opinions that other people share on the matter can only ever be just that: opinions. «It’s a societal phenomenon that some people believe they know what’s good for others. Every family knows what’s best for them, and shouldn’t let themselves be swayed by others.» Nobody has to explain themselves for having another child.
Family counsellor Katharine Weiner, who also heads up familylab Österreich tries to get this across to couples in her work. I call up family coach Linda Syllaba and two mothers I know personally. Each of the women considers the question of why the decision to have a third child in particular can be so challenging, and what might help parents to make the right choice.
What changes when you have a third child?
Basically, a lot. «The whole family dynamic changes with each new child», says family coach Linda Syllaba. «We humans like forming groups of two, and with three kids, there’s always an odd one out.» Of course, this doesn’t have to be the case, but it can be – and can lead to recurring conflicts between siblings. Not only that, but any activities you do together have to be adapted to incorporate three children. You might need to buy a new car or even a new apartment. This requires a lot of patience, energy and organisational skills from parents.
«And we can’t forget that we all have different personalities – as do our kids», says Weiner. It’s very possible that the first two children were extremely easy to handle as babies, whereas the third could be totally different – presenting the first real challenge for the parents. However, it’s equally possible that the first and second were so difficult, that the desire to have a third child disappears completely. Either way, the fact is, we grow into our responsibilities.
How do I know if it’s the right moment?
«You never know if it’s the right moment», Syllaba says. It’s why she gives parents this advice: «Go inside yourself and listen to your inner voice.» Ask yourself: do I feel like having a third child is on the cards for me? Or is something else motivating that desire? Syllaba warns: «Parents often use children to create a bond with their partner, but that doesn’t work.»
A third child certainly shouldn’t become a project, on which the happiness of the family or the mother depends. After all, nobody can predict what life as a family of five will really be like.
What if your partner doesn’t want the same thing?
Of course, parents don’t always agree. What if one wants another child and the other doesn’t? What if the thought of becoming a family of five causes one parent to experience great joy and the other an existential crisis? Life and family counsellor Katharina Weiner advises: «Face the issue with openness and honesty. It’s better to be up front about your thoughts and concerns and show interest in your partner than it is to call their bluff.»
It can be helpful to think about how you coped as a couple when your first child was born – and how your relationship has been since. Mums and dads often lose themselves in being parents, forgetting one thing: their relationship is the origin of the family. «That’s why you should keep checking in with yourself and your partner about how you’re getting on. Are you still doing activities together without the kids? Is there enough time to talk about things that don’t concern the kids?»
A third child: yay or nay? Here’s how two mothers made the decision
For Susanne G., the decision to have a third child was a gut decision. «I’d always wanted to have three kids. Every time I had another child, the idea solidified more and more in my mind. Speaking of the mind, having a third child is really quite mad.» You can’t argue with that: having multiple children is a challenge in terms of finances, time and logistics. The biggest challenge, she says, is finding family activities that everybody likes. This is because the age difference between her oldest (who’s seven) and her youngest (who’s two) is pretty significant.
At the same time, Susanne says this has turned out to be an advantage: «There’s much less jealously and rivalry between my first and third child than between my first and second. This considered, the first child gets to have a whole other, valuable experience as a sibling.»
Having three kids is more tiring than having two, so parents are often much more easygoing with child number three. After all, the first children have already laid some effective groundwork. Even more importantly, Susanne and her husband have never regretted their decision and can’t imagine being without the baby of the family. «As Great-Grandma put it: we were missing this – in a good way.»
Katharina R and her husband haven’t made up their minds yet: «We’ve been thinking about having another child. Especially my husband, because he really wants a boy.» Katharina is a mother of two little girls – and she’s happy for things to stay that way for now: «Physically and mentally, I wouldn’t manage to raise a third child at the moment.» After all, she certainly has her hands full with the girls: «Other people have docile kids who sleep half the day and are easy to calm down. Not us. We have active, whiney, please-entertain-me kids.» Nights are also far from quiet with the two little ones, who’re now three and one. «I barely have time for myself at the moment», Katharina says. Another reason for the couple not to expand their family is their small apartment.
Nevertheless, Katharina doesn’t want to rule out having a third child altogether: «At the moment, I’m saying no. It’s definitely going to stay that way for the next two years. After that, we’ll see.» And Susanne’s verdict? «Having three kids is definitely an adventure. Now that the youngest’s baby years are over too, it’s an adventure I’d actually recommend any day.»
Two mothers, two opinions. Each family bases the decision to have another child on different factors. Family counsellor Katharina Weiner sums things up: «At the end of the day, choosing to have a third child is, and will remain, a personal decision. And there’s no set-in-stone way of making it.»
The adjectives that describe me? Open-minded, pensive, curious, agnostic, solitude-loving, ironic and, of course, breathtaking.
Writing is my calling. I wrote fairytales age 8. «Supercool» song lyrics nobody ever got to hear age 15 and a travel blog in my mid-20s. Today, I’m dedicated to poems and writing the best articles of all time.